In making this film, I’ve learned just how much of a loaded term gay is. The language we use, consciously or subconsciously, can reflect our feelings towards minorities. Many older people I spoke to felt strongly that it should it not be allowed to be used negatively. Younger people, whom we might have expected to have more awareness of what it means to identify as gay because of media coverage, were often the demographic defending the negative use of this word. Some gay people I spoke to were content with the word evolving, while there were straight people who were outraged. With just my student overdraft as my budget, I decided to make a documentary exploring how this piece of language had evolved, and speak to people both gay and straight to see how they felt aboutthe word taking on a negative meaning. It’s not worth it.“The problem with saying ‘that’s so gay’ is that even though you and your friends might know you’re not being homophobic, if you’re using it in a public or semi-public space, other people might see you as homophobic,” he adds. Take your time, figure it out, and don’t cave. Part of me, though, wonders if the sexual attraction is crucial to your feeling so close to him. You seem to want to hang on to this guy, and if your reasons for doing so are as numerous and nonsexual as you present, a plan will be helpful. Doing it after will allow you both to have some time to strategize the best steps for moving forward with your platonic friendship. I don’t advise doing this before or at the party, because if he in reply signals that he’s amenable to the idea of sleeping together, it could further erode your rather admirable but clearly brittle boundaries. Explaining to him your primal attraction that you could nonetheless never ethically act on is the kindest, most potentially flattering way to let him know why you need space. If you feel bad about this or happen to notice him noticing, you could write him an email later, when your libido calms down from its Tasmanian devil spin. I don’t think you should avoid him entirely-that would be rude-but you should also spend as little time with him as possible. Don’t stay for any longer than necessary. To honor the priorities that you have mapped out, the most humane thing to do at this party that you simply must attend is to be cordial to your friend while maintaining a distance. Props to you for your consideration and desire to handle this ethically. At other times, I don’t seem to have a problem keeping any attraction under control. It’s like the horniness was a fire hose I had to constantly keep trained elsewhere, and it was exhausting, if not impossible. The last time I saw him during Hornygeddon, I basically had to excuse myself and flee for fear of doing or saying something that would make him uncomfortable, and then I fantasized about him for days afterward. He’s currently in a happy relationship that’s most likely monogamous, and in any case, I wouldn’t want anything to happen between us for reasons of awkwardness, prioritizing our friendship (which I value above sex), etc.
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We don’t have a flirty rapport or anything like that, just a mostly staid and mutually respectful friendship. I have a longtime close male friend whom I guess I’ve always been attracted to, with perhaps occasional flickers of mutual sexual tension, but nothing’s ever happened between us-I met him back when my relationship was closed, then he was in a long-term relationship, yadda yadda. You have to pick a lane: Send pics and show affection with clear caveats, or find peace with the complicated dynamics you’re helping foster. That means the only way to make it clear that you aren’t interested, that you’re just having some digital fun or whatever it is you’re doing (what are you actually doing?), is to say so explicitly. There’s nothing wrong with sharing nudes (provided the recipient’s consent), but you should understand that along with your muff shots, you’re sending a message of potential sexual interest and/or availability. I’d be a hypocrite if I advised you not to express your sexuality. It doesn’t sound like you are trying at all. I don’t mean to interrupt your merry, nearly nude traipse through life, but a good way to set boundaries is to actually set them. But I also don’t want him to try to come on to me, because rejecting him in that scenario would also be awkward.
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How can I keep clear boundaries without hurting his feelings? Flat-out telling him I’m not attracted to him seems like it will kill the vibe.